Reflections on a year gone by

This time last year challenged my identity. It was painful. For the first time in many years, maybe since my cancer debacle, that I was legitimately unemployed. It felt horrible. Lack of income made me feel unsafe. I had enough cushion to keep things going, and I know I have a good life. I am safe, dry, and fed. But I lost that feeling of freedom I had become to take for granted when I earned enough to satiate most of my needs and wants without much thought.

Worse than the creeping feeling of financial insecurity, I felt the weight of fighting the monster inside me who wrestled to understand who I am if I am not Doctor Lee. I panicked and set up a few LLCs. I made business cards. I wanted to see my name printed on a cool piece of colored cardboard. If I could hold that in my hand, then I would be legitimate, I thought. Mind you, one of them was so small, it could practically be used as a wilderness survivor’s pinky splint. Yes, the juxtaposition of my need for visible validation and desire to hide are not lost on me.

In hindsight, I had the incredible gift of old friends and colleagaues who thought of me for a role I never would have found otherwise. The names i would work with were all boldface headliners in my field. The work was sharper than cutting edge. The mission was unbeatable. I could not say no. I was conflicted in collecting fees to pay my rent at the same time as finally finding a way to align my authentic being as a humanitarian and physician-scientist, with experience and wisdom in building real solutions for real people.

One thing led to another and today, fifteen months since my last entry here, I find myself at the precipice of a lot of optimism and hope. Don’t get me wrong. The world has a lot on its hands, with institutions and traditions toppling left and right. I’m talking about how it feels inside me, in my little world, and how good it feels that I’m right where I need to be. I have something to offer, that might make an impact, and I feel an easy committment in doing whatever I can to make it happen.

For that, I am grateful.

To my friends, my colleagues, my communities, and the universe. I am seeing more clearly now. Right now, I can feel moments of belonging and that I matter.